Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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