So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
