He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
