I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
