Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
