My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
