you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
