if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
