did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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