i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
