I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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