so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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