I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
