i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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