I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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