you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
