I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
