You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
