what day is it and did you see me today?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
