ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
