I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
