Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
