May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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