Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I currently don't understand fingers.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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