is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
