I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
