I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
