It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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