you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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