I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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