The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
