I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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