i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
