My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
