So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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