My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
