Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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