Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
honey bunches of taint.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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