I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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