I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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