smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
