shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
