he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
