I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
