Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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