On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
