If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We need to get me chipped asap
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
