We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
