i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
