i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
