You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
