her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
